With A Bit of Love

I come from a school of thought that if you are a good person you deserve all the love, both from yourself and also to receive it from someone else in the right way.
I have tried not to be a victim in the 16 years I have had type 1 diabetes, and intentionally make sure that people don’t get the wrong idea- I’m not sick, I just have something that I need to remember and be conscious of in my lifestyle choices.
But sometimes it is not easy- having such a huge responsibility since the age of 12 certainly added to the extensive list of things associated with growing up, like puberty, self-discovery, drugs and alcohol, beliefs and value systems, life choices, love and identity.
And now as an adult it feels like I’m constantly juggling the things that matter in my life, remembering and planning ahead for the source of the next meal, whether I have the right/enough insulin with me, refrigeration, and many other things. I can never fully let go, forget, ignore or be free. It seems this is my journey in this lifetime.
On the plus side, I have developed an incredible talent for effective time management and organisation!
One of the reasons I wanted to write this was to be honest about how I feel, and to reach out to others who have had similar feelings, experiences and stories. I don’t know anyone else with type 1, and it could be good to feel like I’m not going crazy sometimes!
Recently my girlfriend broke up with me (yes, I am gay, a vegetarian, identical twin and diabetic!). I believe this happened for a variety of reasons (which I’m definitely not going to go into!) but I always felt like there was a lack of understanding about the consequences, results and affects that came with my diabetes.
When I came home late from work, and my animal instinct had kicked in, and all I wanted to do was head to the kitchen and organise something quickly to eat, it was not a personal non-responsive reaction to you being there. That impulse by no means equates to it being a non-romantic, non-loving partnership.
It is simply hard to express yourself when you feel like you are fighting for survival at that point in time.
And things can’t be perfect, happy and worry-free all the time, and that’s for everyone, not just for people with diabetes. But that’s all right, there are no deal breakers there if you get that. For me, sometimes there is some intensity there because my diabetes feels so unpredictable while I’m supposed to be predicting different possible outcomes of my actions in relation to my health.
And with that responsibility comes a whole range of emotions, depending on your experiences and how you are feeling at different stages in life.
I never want to put my diabetes on anyone else, and I feel incredibly guilty that it needs to come into play at all in others’ lives, but unfortunately when I’m feeling exhausted, sick, couldn’t sleep because of hypo/hypers, over-planning about where the food is, scared about travelling, constantly aware of time, can’t drink too much, sometimes moody, aren’t always as fiery in the bedroom as you’d like, putting my worry about my diabetes above potential happiness, I can’t do anything about it. It doesn’t mean I love you any less.
And I think that list could apply to most people at some stage in their life, it’s not exclusively for those with diabetes either, or just me…
I truly believe that if you’re self-aware, a good person with positive intentions, who speaks the truth from your heart and ideally wants unconditional love above any material item, you should be able to be free to give and experience that in return too.
Diabetes shouldn’t be a limitation. All we want is a little understanding and lots and lots of love.
And we do our best to make you our priority- unfortunately sometimes there is a small weight on our shoulders that we have to try and get off so we can be fully attentive to you- please know- we certainly didn’t ask for our diabetes, but we must work with it on our path through life on this earth.
We have no choice- it is just the way it happened.
I want more than anything to be free- sometimes I get angry about not having the same abilities as others, but essentially I know this is my journey, and I am a lucky one, I don’t have anything to complain about.
Sometimes it is hard for others to appreciate the stress, emotions and physical affects from the condition (not to mention a lifetime of waiting in doctor’s surgeries and being poked and prodded!).
And I know you would probably take it away if you could (with which comes a layer of guilt as well).
I don’t want any of that… please, just understand…
That’s all I wish for…